I recently attended one of your lectures and thoroughly enjoyed it. You briefly mentioned that part of the training you did with the US Air Force had to do with Emotional Intelligence. I've heard that term before, but I'm unclear as to what it really means. Would you mind explaining it a little more specifically? I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

I'm glad you enjoyed the lecture and thank you for posting your question about such an important subject. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is a best-selling book written by acclaimed author Dr. Daniel Goleman, a professor at Harvard. In his groundbreaking book, the author explored a new way of thinking about what personal qualities it takes to become successful in life. Up until then, our intelligence (IQ), a graduate degree, and years of expertise in a particular field, were thought to be the most important factors leading to success. Research showed that the single-most important factor in job performance and advancement to leadership positions was not the individual's IQ-intelligence quotient, but their EQ -- emotional intelligence!

What I find so exciting about EQ, is that it's based upon a set of skills that can be learned by almost anyone! I know this sounds like a very bold statement, but unlike our IQ, improving our emotional smarts is within anyone's capabilities. Although a certain level of IQ is needed in order to navigate the complexities of the world we live in, it is our level of EQ that will determine our success. So what exactly is EQ?

According to Dr. Goleman, it involves developing strengths in several areas:

• The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others
• The ability to motivate ourselves
• The skill to manage emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships

In essence, by having higher levels of EQ, we can utilize our emotions to determine the right response at the right time to the right person! It is not "being nice," or giving free rein to our emotions The basis of Emotional Intelligence consists of four fundamental competencies: The first two determine how we handle ourselves, while the last two determine how we handle our relationships.

1) Self-Awareness: In essence how well do I know myself and what triggers my emotions? Do I know what drives my behaviors? The phrase "Know Thyself" is what self-awareness is all about. People who are self-aware demonstrate certain specific behaviors. They tend to be good listeners, often deflect credit, usually accept responsibility, don't get defensive and readily admit their mistakes. They tend to be a team player, flexible to change, open minded in their views, candid in their communication, and often focus on others rather than themselves. Real growth is impossible without self-awareness. As we continue to strive to improve ourselves either spiritually or emotionally in this lifetime, self-awareness is no longer optional -- it's truly a necessity!

2) Self-Management: It is the ability to regulate ourselves and our impulses. Besides self-control, these people have a consistent manner and therefore give appropriate responses. They are usually driven by their values, have high integrity and are able to say "no" to themselves when necessary. Over the last two decades I have worked with hundreds of individuals who have had a variety of addictions: alcohol, drugs, pornography, eating, gambling and smoking. All of them, without exception, have lacked self-management. I believe this aspect of Emotional Intelligence can have the most important impact in our society today. Imagine a world where people practiced self-management consistently. The savings on health-care alone would solve our financial mess! Diseases would be curtailed, drug and alcohol rehabilitation would be almost non-existent. Domestic abuse and other forms of violence would be greatly reduced. Crime levels would drop dramatically. When we no longer get "emotionally hijacked," we become true masters of ourselves. The natural man would yield more often to the spiritual part of ourselves. Self-management in essence equals our true free-agency!

3) Social-Awareness: This is the ability to sense, understand and react positively to the emotions of others. By becoming aware of others' feelings, needs and concerns, we can strengthen our relationships. People who practice social-awareness tend to be highly perceptive, empathetic listeners and good at picking up non-verbal cues. They seek to establish a common ground, are service oriented, focused on others, and therefore viewed as trustworthy. Not surprisingly they tend to have deep and long lasting relationships both personally and professionally.

4) Social Skills: This is the ability to connect, influence or even inspire others while managing conflict. Individuals who exhibit great social skills tend to be masterful at developing relationships. In the work force, talent seems to flock to them. Their teams are highly engaged, enthusiastic and ultimately productive. They genuinely care about the people around them and as a result they can leverage their influence to reach their respective goals. There's increased trust, morale and respect in their environment which reduces stress and turnover.

EQ is often associated with the corporate and business world. If we're truly interested in developing future leaders however, the education needs to start a lot earlier. I've often thought what positive impact EQ would have on our youth if it was taught at school. Along side their regular curriculum they could learn how to interact with others while also increasing their self-awareness. By developing social skills and practicing self-management they would enable themselves to fulfill their potential. What greater gift could we offer to the next generation!