Psychologist Val Farmer has obviously been there and done that.

His book "To Have and To Hold: Thoughts on Successful Marriage" (JV Publishing) is both entertaining and helpful.

Written originally as pieces for newspapers, Farmer's collection of articles is brief, pithy and easy to digest.

It's clear that he has vast experience not only through 30 years of counseling but through 40 years of marriage and family life.



He minces no words, with chapter titles like "Ten Sure-Fire Ways to Louse Up a Good Marriage," "My Spouse Is My Best Friend, Or Used to Be" and "What Makes a Good Enough Apology?"

And he has practical, usable ideas, such as "Be half as happy as a dog greeting your return! (when you see your partner after being apart)."

"The complaint may be unwarranted, misguided or even meant to hurt. But the mere fact that your spouse said it or believes it makes it important to understand the complaint thoroughly."

"It's one thing to want to please a spouse and another to actually do it."

When it comes to perfecting the art of listening: "Until you get the floor, you are stuck as a listener."

This is a book that would be good to study together as a couple a chapter at a time because there's more than one can absorb if it's taken as a whole.

It also might be good to have two copies and each partner could read at his or her own pace.

It's surprisingly nonthreatening because Farmer is so down-to-earth, which is not to imply he is simplistic or that he avoids the tough issues.

He takes on all the biggies like infidelity, money and sexual pressures as well as minor issues like differences and routines that tend to drag down a marriage.

Here's a typical paragraph: "Some couples come into my office like a bull in a china shop. No, I don't sell china nor am I breakable. In fact, when they talk to me, they are polite and respectful. But when they talk to their partner they paw the ground, give withering looks and start to butt heads. In order to survive, their partners attempt to stand their ground and butt back."

He goes on to ask, "Don't they realize they are dealing with something fragile and precious?"

He discusses how often couples seem to focus on impressing the counselor with how righteous their cause is rather than trying to learn to work constructively with their partner.

Farmer is wise and patient.

He often includes witticisms from others that are good for a chuckle, such as this from colleague Bill Doherty: "The biggest threat to good marriages is everyday living."

There is a surprising amount of information in this deceptively little paperback -- 67 chapters plus a wrap-up in 216 pages.

It's a rich resource.

E-mail: haddoc@desnews.com