Happy couples share intimate time together, Brinley says

PROVO, Utah — Happily married Mormon couples take the time to pray together, talk, walk and be intimate with one another, said BYU family studies professor Douglas E. Brinley, Wednesday at the 2009 BYU Campus Education Week.

"Unhappy couples do what miserable couples do. Happy couples do what happy couples do. They share life in depth with each other. They live the gospel. They become each other's therapist," Brinley said. "They listen, reflect, encourage, compliment, shape and help think things through."

They enjoy physical contact, touching, kissing, hugging and holding hands as well as frequent intimacy.

Intimacy is important and designed by the Lord, he said.

"It's marital therapy. It's not to be used as a weapon. It's not going to go away. That's how you have children in eternity."

However, he said, it's important that a husband be sensitive to his wife when she's bearing children and dealing with the stress of rearing them. It's also important for women to appreciate men's vulnerability — particularly as he gets older.

Brinley said it's a good thing that there are medications available that help ease some of the limitations that come with old age.

"I don't know if that's good news for you," he told the audience with a chuckle.

Brinley outlined patterns and routines happily married couples follow:

• They enjoy talking together without fear of being put down or criticized.
• They date frequently.
• They communicate.
• They aren't afraid to repent and to forgive.
• They respect and have faith in one another.

Brinley said almost without exception, a divorcing LDS couple has stopped living the gospel.

"When couples have marital problems, the first thing they stop doing together is praying."

When couples stop sharing the kind of intimate thoughts and ideas that are often revealed in prayers, things can escalate quickly, he said.

"Prayer is a window into the soul of your spouse," he said.

He said it's important to remember people came to earth to experience family life and parenthood. "Your spouse is not just for this life. Now's the time to get it together," he said.

Kneeling in prayer twice a day as a couple is invaluable, as is reading scriptures or the Ensign or good books. Going to the temple often is tremendously helpful, as is holding Family Home Evening with dad leading out.

"Be good fathers. Women want a husband who is a good father," he said.

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