Blogger Brawl: Clinton Bowen v. Sarah Waggoner

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10 March 2010 12:18am

The majority of people have a set of guidelines in the back of their minds that act as a sort of relationship roadmap. These guidelines are certain characteristics a potential partner may or may not have. These elements make it easier for a person to decide a person's potential in a relationship. I call them "dating deal breakers." This leads me to my most recent dating disaster. I was set up with a girl a couple of weeks ago and it was hands down the worst dating experience I've ever had. The whole night was littered with examples of why I hate dating.

The first deal breaker I stumbled across came on the ride to dinner: "If a girl hasn't seen 'Dumb and Dumber,' regardless if she liked it or not, that's a deal breaker." Honestly, how is it possible that a person between the ages of 10 and 40 has never seen the cinematic treasure "Dumb and Dumber"? I should have given her cab fare then and there and bid her adieu.

The second deal breaker the night provided: "If a girl moves across the country to be closer to a guy she has met once, only to live in his parent's basement for an entire year while he is dating somebody else, that's a deal breaker." I don't think any further explanation is required.

The final deal breaker of this brief date, "If a girl plans on camping out to be the first in line for tickets to a Nickleback concert, that's a deal breaker." (For you old timers out there who never listen to FM radio, Nickleback is a Canadian band whose lead singer resembles Mr. Ed).

The amazing thing is that all these deal breakers came out before dinner was even over. I still had to sit through a terrible movie with her.

It was an epic evening to say the least. The whole thing has really shaken my resolve to "broaden" my dating horizons.

I'm feeling pretty comfortable with the view I've got right where I am. If I'm subject to another night of frivolity like this one, the chances of me claiming the "creepy single uncle" will increase exponentially.

BYU graduate Clinton Bowen is an Idaho-grown farm boy currently living in Washington where he does research for a seed company.

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__IMAGE2__Got the dresses ... now what?

Apparently, I'm searching for a suitor.

If you're of marriageable age and single, or you've spent any short period of time single in the last — I don't know — forever, being both of marriageable age and single, then you're going to know what I'm talking about. I'm 20. I'm in no hurry. But, the pressure!

Maybe your mother, like my mother (who we call Yente, as in the matchmaker of "Fiddler on the Roof," Yente) prods just a little.Maybe your father, like my father, hints.

Maybe your bishop has called you into his office for an interview and, oh by the way, mentioned another single person in the ward who you should date.

And, certainly you've heard, at least once in the last semester, a marriage talk by a general authority.

But this week, my sisters took the marriage encouraging to an entirely new level. They did something that made all of these pale in comparison. They did something nigh unto unforgivable: They bought bridesmaid dresses. Baby blue, knee length, Calvin Klein dresses that would be absolutely perfect with a nice string of pearls.

Leah and Annie decided to go shopping. I decided to stay home. I got a phone call after they had been out for a couple of hours. Annie was on the line. This is about how it went:

Annie: Sarah, you're getting married this summer.

Me: No, actually I'm not.

Annie: Actually, you are.

Me: Annie, I don't even have a boyfriend. How do you expect me to get married before the end of the summer?!

Annie: I don't really care. But you have to.

Me: (With suspicion bordering apprehension) Why?

Annie: (Obviously quite pleased with herself) BeCAUSE, Leah and I just bought bridesmaid dresses!

Leah and Annie bought the dresses. (They had before they even called.) Leah and Annie modeled the dresses for me. Leah and Annie discussed the dresses for at least an hour. High heels? Blue heels or white heels? Sweater or no sweater? What kind of sweater?

In all of this, the blaring fact of no groom seemed hardly to matter. I pointed this out, which was a mistake, because then they moved on to marriage prospects. I will mention none here by name, but they exhausted the list. Annie claims (and she's right) that finally I issued the ultimatum "I'm not getting married this summer, and if you mention it again, I'll burn your bridesmaid dresses!"

So Annie, Leah, Mom, Dad, and anyone else out there, I'm keeping my eyes open. I wouldn't want those dresses to go to waste (maybe they'll still fit in five years) but in the mean time, chew on the wise words of the Supremes:

"You can't hurry love. No, you'll just have to wait ... Love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take. You can't hurry love. No, you'll just have to wait. Just trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes."

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